Pity Parties
I'm not really a party animal. In fact, usually, if I'm invited to a party of some sort or another, I try to find a good reason to graciously decline the invitation.
It's not that I don't enjoy people, mind you. In general, they're fantastic. Like Will Rogers said, "I've never met a man I didn't like." I am thankful for all my good friends.
Yep, I like people a lot -- but I dislike going to parties. (Although, if I get stuck and actually end up attending one, it usually turns out better than I imagined. In the car, on the way home, I've heard Cathy say more than once, "There now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"
I reply with a mumble and grunt, because I know she's right. Still -- I'm not an eager party-goer, and seriously doubt if I will ever become one.
Do you know what kind of party is the most common? Birthday? Graduation? Aniversary?
You'll never guess!
The party held most frequently is. . . The Pity Party!
It's not that I don't enjoy people, mind you. In general, they're fantastic. Like Will Rogers said, "I've never met a man I didn't like." I am thankful for all my good friends.
Yep, I like people a lot -- but I dislike going to parties. (Although, if I get stuck and actually end up attending one, it usually turns out better than I imagined. In the car, on the way home, I've heard Cathy say more than once, "There now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"
I reply with a mumble and grunt, because I know she's right. Still -- I'm not an eager party-goer, and seriously doubt if I will ever become one.
Do you know what kind of party is the most common? Birthday? Graduation? Aniversary?
You'll never guess!
The party held most frequently is. . . The Pity Party!
As a minister, I've been invited to pity parties on many occasions. I've never received an "official invitation" on cardstock in the mail, but I've certainly been invited, nevertheless.
Now, helping people with troubled hearts is part of my calling. Any worthwhile minister of God's grace is interested in bringing hope, encouragement and faith to hurting souls. We are called to listen, to love, and to really care.
However, that does not mean that I'm enthused about attending somebody else's pity party.
A pity party is defined as when you are consumed with feeling sorry for yourself and re-hashing your problems over and over again, without any interest in moving towards a positive solution.
Here are the problems with a pity party:
1) There's no music. Nobody brings a banjo or accordian. Nobody dances, and nobody sings -- except for maybe a mournful rendition of the blues!
2) There are no refreshments. Nobody serves cream puffs or crumpets at a pity party. There's nothing refreshing at all about it. The only thing dished up is stew of re-hashed offenses and complaints.
3) There are no joyful guests. If you "crash" a pity party with a bit of positive perspective, you'll be asked to leave. Cheery optimism is inappropriate behavior for a pity party.
4) There is no hope. Hopelessness is what fuels the party and keeps it going.
Feeling sorry for someone else (compassion) is a beautiful and godly expression.
Feeling sorry for yourself, however, is not nearly so noble or inspiring. It is an ugly, downhill spiral that takes you further into negative despair.
Now, helping people with troubled hearts is part of my calling. Any worthwhile minister of God's grace is interested in bringing hope, encouragement and faith to hurting souls. We are called to listen, to love, and to really care.
However, that does not mean that I'm enthused about attending somebody else's pity party.
A pity party is defined as when you are consumed with feeling sorry for yourself and re-hashing your problems over and over again, without any interest in moving towards a positive solution.
Here are the problems with a pity party:
1) There's no music. Nobody brings a banjo or accordian. Nobody dances, and nobody sings -- except for maybe a mournful rendition of the blues!
2) There are no refreshments. Nobody serves cream puffs or crumpets at a pity party. There's nothing refreshing at all about it. The only thing dished up is stew of re-hashed offenses and complaints.
3) There are no joyful guests. If you "crash" a pity party with a bit of positive perspective, you'll be asked to leave. Cheery optimism is inappropriate behavior for a pity party.
4) There is no hope. Hopelessness is what fuels the party and keeps it going.
Feeling sorry for someone else (compassion) is a beautiful and godly expression.
Feeling sorry for yourself, however, is not nearly so noble or inspiring. It is an ugly, downhill spiral that takes you further into negative despair.
There is a major difference between a Pity Party and having a meeting to resolve a bad situation. It is convenient for those in charge to label much as Pity Parties to ignore important issues, especially if the leader(s) is part of the problem.
ReplyDelete"A pity party is defined as when you are consumed with feeling sorry for yourself and re-hashing your problems over and over again, without any interest in moving towards a positive solution."
ReplyDeleteA problem is brought to a Pastor for a reason!
ReplyDeleteWhen the Pastor decides that it is a pity Party he loses his effectiveness as the Pastor.
The brother or sister who brought forth the problem will feel this lack of concern or worse they will find out from others in the Church that their problem was deemed by the Pastor as a non-issue.
The brother or sister will still have the problem thinking that no one cares and become more discouraged.
"Feeling sorry for someone else (compassion) is a beautiful and godly expression."
ReplyDeleteAmen to this. But how do you go about helping others with problems if those in charge have already decided this is just second-hand pity?
Around 30 years ago when I was just a pup, I worked with a much older man who constantly complained about his problems, his home life and his health. I and the other coworkers looked on his problems as him wanting a Pity Party, even though we did not call it such. Our company went on strike and we were out of work for two months. I found a job and worked the whole time while my coworker did not. I felt good about myself and my co-worker became more depressed. He committed suicide by jumping into Hoover Dam.
ReplyDeleteI have often thought that if I had taken just a little pity on him, maybe he would be here today. I like to think that if that same problem occurred today, I would have the maturity to be of help, or get help for him, instead of considering him a nuisance.
Sometimes our problems are not easy to solve, but lack of concern by those around us does not help and will only make them appear worse.
Pity??? Party???
ReplyDeletePity
Grief or pain awakened by the misfortunes or sorrows of others; compassion. To give aid or support.
Party
Social gathering for pleasure or entertainment.
I do not think that the person who needs the pity would ever consider it a party.
It reminds me of the book of Job. It seems that Job started throwing the biggest pity party ever.
ReplyDeleteGod sets Job straight on his pity party in Job Chapters 38-41.
Finally God told Job to pray for his friends.
Job 42:10
And the Lord restored Job's losses when he prayed for his friends.
I for one get sick and tired of people whining to the Pastor about every little problem that they have. This is the equivalant of making a 911 call when no emergency exists. I say 'Be a man' 'Suck it up' and quit being a whiner. We do not need to know about your little whinney problems. We will let you know when they are big enough to be brought to the Pastor. The Church is better off without whiner like you.
ReplyDeleteJohn
ReplyDeleteI know that I share my life story way to often with anyone who will listen.
I thought that was what preachers were called to do and though the good ones were glad to be able to listen to any problem no matter how small it seemed to them without passing judgment on the person who shared their troubles.
Now it seems to me that anytime we talk to a pastor we need to be asking ourself Am I being a pain in the butt to the pastor and does he realy want to hear my problem, If he thinks that my problem is something out of nothing then I am wasting my time talking to him. If he does not realy care, then I do not want him to pretend to me that he does.
I do not share my wifes death With Out A Chruch with anyone to get pity.
My main goal is that someone could see my pain and say ’O my god that is what we did another sister’.
The reason that I re-hash my problems over and over again is that their never was closure or any answers as to why this happened. No one local cared. The only kind words that I heard were from this blog.
I never dreamed that those who posted on the blog to me like they cared could have thought that I was just wanting pity. I am sorry to burden you all with my cares.
Walt,I don't think John speaks for the rest of us. My heart aches every time I read your story. To think that you felt abandoned by your church and your pastor in an hour of great need bothers me, first as a Christian brother and second as a pastor. Walt, there are several of us who check this blog often who care. Us pastor's need to be reminded that there are people just like you in our congregations and we need lend an ear. I love you and am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteFriends, when did the word "pity" acquire its association with such negative thoughts? Personally, I feel the two words, "pity party", should never be used together. There certainly is no party happening. Yes, it's true that there are those who seem to be in need of constant consolation. But, don't you suppose God sees that in us; a people incessantly in need of help? Perhaps He heaves a big sigh when He hears us call out. He already knows what's coming. It’s not as if He hasn’t heard it all before, but He's always listening and loving. Thankfully, He sits down and listens with love that only He can give. That, dear ones, is all we can keep trying to do. Love as our Abba loves, with agape love. If it means praying with someone, simply listening, or holding someone accountable for his or her attitude, so be it. This is why we must always remember to pray for our pastors. The burdens they hear and share are heavy. Our prayers are so important. Please love.
ReplyDeleteDale
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind words.
They give me a smile and thay do give me some hope for the many others out there that also need a good person to care four them.
I see many eldery people each day that do not have a single person who cares if they are alive or not. I see the dispair that others talked about.
Thanks again
I care for Walt and the others in my church and other churches that have been treated like they do not matter. We need to change.
ReplyDeleteA man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it, is committing another mistake. -- Confucius
ReplyDeleteBefore you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
ReplyDeleteConfucius
Where is the book of Confucius at in the Bible I can't find it? Must be one of those new translations.
ReplyDeleteJonathan Wilson
Maybe I didn't word this post properly. Of course, we need to be compassionate and loving in all our relationships. Some folks seem to have extra heavy burdens to carry, and others struggle with coping with life's setbacks. I certainly did not intend to encourage pastors to turn their backs to those who are hurting.
ReplyDeleteRather, I wrote it for myself --and for others who are in ministry. Sometimes, when working through difficult ministry issues, we are tempted to feel sorry for ourselves. I've discovered that when I cave in to that despair, I'm no good at helping others, and my own situation just gets worse.
Please forgive me if I've offended anybody with what I wrote. I believe pastors should be the most caring people on earth.
one more thing -- Walt, we love you, and I am glad you have found your way to my blog. I pray for you often and although I do not know you personally, I feel like I do.
ReplyDelete